How can I know what it means to be you, when all you show me are your words, and your eyes, that look at me and away when the sky’s too blue, or there’s an elephant at the table sipping it’s iced tea and lime? We’re all meant to be free of each other, of space, of time, and the need to be attached to this place, we’re all living gods with a lower-case “g” but tell me, which god’s ever had that half-smile on it’s face? In a different world (or maybe tomorrow) there’d be no fear, no doubt, no need to yell to be heard over the music and voices. Tonight though there’s the loneliness and the sadness trying to get out, the root of this insomnia, the part of me that I fear. There’s the wall again, tonight, that I can’t seem to break, the relentless feeling that my life’s a mistake, that everything we’ve said has been wrong and all fake, that you fit in box A and I’ve thrown that away.
This could be anyone, this could be for you, this could be a note scribbled on a wall in a blue fury of writing the most random words that come to mind, words of stone that are like gargoyles, frozen madness in time and staring forever out across the sea of a city full of memories and bad patchwork and smoke and little individual lives living on, and on, with no reason to them, no intellectual treatment, no thought to the next meal or the next kiss or the next time that they’ll see their hometown again.
There’s this wall in this city, in every city I’ve lived in, that finds me sometimes when I let my guard down. It’s the disconnection that’s so easy when there are a million things to do, it’s the wall that saves me from having to come all the way to you, to understand how we started out and how we ended up here, where to each of us being friends mean very different things and where if I sat down and counted, I could string diamonds of hurt into a necklace to wrap around you.
There’s patience, there’s trust, there’s hope and there’s charity. But sometimes it feels like it’s too much for me alone. Like I don’t know where I go wrong, why I always get the words mixed up, like I dropped one for the other and now that’s faded away too. It’s the lesson after the last one and I’m still failing the test on both. The dawn is brighter and the daylight is honest and still, I look for you under the same spotlights as before. They hide the wrinkles and make the world look softer. But the only one who knows me, who forgives and loves me, can see me in the dark, and he’s got my back, he’s even checked my head and allowed me to write this, because he knows I’m just trying to say sorry for all the stupidity, for lost friendships and lost time and that there’s a hope for the future that things will be better and that I can change it around, again.
