Well..

If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it – don’t be mad once you see that he wants it!

- Beyonce

25

A quarter of a century.

For the past couple of months, I’ve felt like I’m standing a cross-roads.

I’ve spoken to this about people I love, people I respect and people who care about me enough to spend half an hour giving me advice.

I have slept well and dreamed of different futures – but who really knows what’s going to happen or what the right thing is to do? I hope that I make the best decision that I can.

The one thing I have figured out is that receptiveness, being open to what the Universe is giving us, is the only way to be. Happy is the only way to be.

Yes, there are targets to meet, there is growth to plan, there are the tough things to say and the tough decisons to make. But in the scheme of things they’re just words. Moments. In that moment, are you happy? In that moment, do you feel right?

I like to think and I am told and I like to sometimes say that I’m helping thousands of children get a better education, I am part of a bigger global group effort to give more kids a chance to learn more and be more.

And then I also remember that what I’m doing is not rocket science, I’m not saving lives, and that for that small blessing, for being able to make a difference and do it with some room to breathe, I should be very very grateful.

No matter what happens, I enjoy being in the moment. When I’m confused, unsettled, when I don’t know which way to turn, I like to turn inwards, I like to sit on my terrace and look at the stars and just be.

Twenty-five – I’m glad that in the last quarter-century, I have figured out at least that.

Gypped

I am about 4 years behind the event – but I just read James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces and loved it. And then found out that it was, well, not made up, but embellished. Not just embellished, but fluffed, given a makeover and treated with super-strength hairspray and glitter.

Did I feel cheated? Not at first. I think Frey has an incredible voice, and I love how he writes.

However, to think that it was marketed as a memoir – true, I didn’t pick it up because it was a memoir, I would’ve enjoyed it just as much if it had been fiction, or “based on a true story”. But halfway through, when I was reading about what ‘James’ went through, I really began to admire the guy. I figured if he really had had two root canals without anaesthesia, he could afford to be pleased with himself.

But, sadly, no.

Anyway, maybe the next time I read it, I’ll be able to think of it as a story again. I am going to pick up his work of fiction. When I get over the shame of being taken in. Gypped.

Love is forever

Well, who could ever understand love? I know, it’s such a universal and overdone thought, but, so true. Who can fathom what brings someone to forgive the deepest hurts, to stick with loving someone even if that person wants to have nothing to do with you for years, to fall for someone they’ve just met, or to fall in and out of love in a matter of days..?

I don’t get it, but I’m just so glad there is so much love in this world. Sometimes it seems like it isn’t enough, I know. But it’ll come back to us all, in one way or another.

For my loved ones out there who are going through some tough times right now – I love you, and the world loves you, for who you are no matter what day it is, what you look like, what you say, what you think – you’re loved because you’re just so perfect, every day.

Belonging

I give up on pseudo-poetry, it doesn’t quite do justice to what it really sounds like in my head. I am going to have a guitar here in Hyderabad by the end of the first week of September – I may have to soundproof my room to make sure I don’t drive my sweet flatmate up the wall!

Hyderabad. I don’t know what I expected when I came here – I came here for the work, and I’ve met interesting people, and I don’t feel as lost as I thought I would. But still, it reminds me more than ever of how comfortable I am in Bombay, and it reminds me that “India” and “Bombay” are NOT synonymous.

Here, funnily, I’m reading a lot of American literature. I’m currently reading both On The Road and Oil! by Upton Sinclair. I’m so glad I finally have my own copy of On The Road. It reminds me of why I love this language.

What’s interesting is that Jack Kerouac’s first language was a sort of dialect of French that his parents and other immigrants from Quebec brought with them to the US. And I can’t believe that never found its way into our discussions of him in Lit class. It makes me feel better that at least now, all these years later, he’s as ‘American’ as any other writer. It makes me feel better as well, about not really belonging in one place in particular. Maybe the road (or the modern equivalent) is my space, too – an undiscriminating rolling ribbon of connection, cutting across and getting right into the heart of what it is to be alive, no matter where you are.

I suppose I really hope that my journeys eventually lead to a place where I understand myself better, too. Lately, again, I’ve been told that I’m ‘mature’ for my age. It’s flattering, it’s a compliment, I suppose, but I still can’t help laughing when I hear it, because my closest friends know how ridiculous I can be. I treasure the fact that with the people who know me the best, and the one who knows me best of all, I can be as silly and as profound as I like, in any language I try to express myself in, and not be concerned about maturity or childishness, because those treasured few understand that it IS possible to be contradictory and happy and living, joyously, in a hundred colliding moments at a time.

This is an experiment in just writing the first thing that comes to my head, which I haven’t done in a while, and it’s a nice change to not try to craft my point. Yes, I meander, and tonight I sleep all the better for it.

Maybe, tomorrow, something that makes me sound more ‘together’!

Dizzy

It’s the music that we make and the guitar that’s thrilling to the sound of your name
That’s what reminds me that you’re here and have always been
It’s the joy in the voice of the man on the other side of the world
Singing to me of the light in the faces he’s seen

I can feel the love in my heart trying to get out
It feels like it’s big enough to drown the world in
Let me down slowly and let me come to you now
You called my name, it hasn’t been the same since

They don’t always understand what I know about you
They don’t know that you’ve told me how much you love me
When I was alone and even when my heart was full
You were always there, and you always will be.

First left inside the Kaman

Magic
in an empty mucky street
where the donkeys walk with tied legs
and the muted clopping of their feet
is the prelude to the dumpster on the corner
urinal for men and foodstore for the cows
which snuggle up to the steel for the afternoon

The temple opposite is painted brightly
The old couple that sits on the steps can’t see the color
But they know who we are that walk down the road
They hear the coins in your pocket, the guilt in your throat
They hear the rain rolling off the cows’ thick hides
and they call out, softly, as I walk on by.

Update

The latest:

- Read “Lose your weight, not your mind!” by Rujuta Diwekar – interesting! Am trying to follow the ‘eat every 2 hours’ rule, with smaller portion sizes of course. Am NOT weighing myself, I don’t need to lose weight, just eat healthy.

- Am exercising! Yoga 3 mornings a week, and walk/jog 3 mornings a week, with one day off. I was supposed to do a full routine as well, crunches, pushups, etc but:

- Waking up at 6-6.15 am every day makes me sleepy earlier. It’s easy to get into the pattern after trying hard for 2 weeks – no matter how sleepy I am, the trick is to kick myself out of bed within a minute of opening my eyes, before my brain can start to make excuses. 6.15, I roll out of bed, into my tracks and sneakers, and am out the door before my mind is awake. Good feeling, even if every day makes me more aware of how unfit I am! Finding it difficult to track how much I’m actually walking/running – have to find a way to measure the distance. Try to put in half an hour, 25 minutes if I run more than usual.

- Afternoon naps! Part of waking up around sunrise – makes me much sleepier at around 2-3 pm. For the last few days, I was going to sleep at 2 and waking up again at 8 cos I was so tired, but now that I’m alternating jogging days with yoga days I feel better and have more energy to get through the afternoon.

- Sleeping early – I get sleepy by 10, and am usually asleep by 11. This makes going out at night very difficult, combined with the early mornings. Therefore, my evenings out are more or less restricted to Saturdays, from now on. Definitely not going out nights before yoga – am afraid of the yoga teacher, she’ll know if I’m not there or why my flying pose (i don’t know the name) looks more wobbly than usual.

- Positive affirmations – most difficult. Making time for prayer is always easier when you really want something or are in a tough corner – when things are going great, I tend to sort of slack off on getting in touch with Him. So, I’ll be honest and confess that lately I’ve really dropped the ball on positivity. Going through a patch of a few days where I’ve been very low. Waking up early to see the sun filter through the trees makes it better but I have resolved to make time before I sleep each night to give thanks and focus on making the next day as happy as it can be.

True Love Travels On A Gravel Road

TRUE LOVE TRAVELS A GRAVEL ROAD
Written by: Dallas Frazier & A. L. “Doodle” Owens
Performed by: The Highwaymen (Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash & Kris Kristofferson)
Appears on: The Road Goes on Forever-1995, The Road Goes on Forever (10th Anniversary Edition)-2005, et al.
(Versions also by Elvis Presley, Percy Sedge and Nick Lowe)

How many girls choose cotton dress worlds,
When they could have satins and lace?
Stand by her man through good times and bad,
An’ still keep a smile on her face?
And how many hearts could face the winters we’ve known,
And still not turn cold.

True love travels on a gravel road.
Love is a stranger and hearts are in danger.
On smooth streets paved with gold.

True love travels on a gravel road.

Down through the years,
We’ve had hard times and tears.
But it only makes our love grow.
And we’ll stay together no matter how hard the wind blows.

Not once have I’ve seen your blue eyes fill with envy,
Or stray from the warmth that they hold.

True love travels on a gravel road.
Now love is a stranger and hearts fill with danger,
On smooth streets paved with gold.

True love travels on a gravel road.
True love travels on a gravel road.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I’m a

Self-Knowing Traveling Builder